The End Is Nigh (Satire)

Alice Shao, Staff writer

Protests erupted around the globe as part of a global climate strike, drawing attention to the imminent crisis of climate change that possibly threatens life as we know it. The enormous volcano underneath Yellowstone National Park is estimated to be thousands of years overdue for an eruption, a catastrophic event that would cause global temperatures to drop and crops to die off. Approximately 14,000 nuclear weapons exist around the globe, enough to kill off all human life on Earth multiple times over.

With all of these daily threats to humanity, everyone should be screaming in terror. Humanity should be stockpiling food, creating nuclear shelters, even learning how to cooperate with each other in order to survive the apocalyptic days ahead. One of these doomsday scenarios is bound to occur at any time – maybe even now! Maybe humanity will not go extinct due to supervolcano eruptions or nuclear winter but to something unforeseen such as alien invasion, zombies, asteroid collision, or Armageddon.

As our time on this Earth draws to a close, we should all make the most of our remaining days. Since we are all going to die anyway – from natural causes or otherwise — it is time to do all the things that we are afraid to do, all the things that might have negative consequences. If you have a bucket list, now is the time to complete it before we all die due to flooding, nuclear bombs, starvation, fires, zombies, angry robots, divine intervention, the Illuminati, Illuminati vampires, vampires, Martians, a gamma-ray burst, Ragnarok or bad vibes.

If you have no idea what you should do before the apocalypse and are not busy running around screaming like a chicken with its head cut off, here are some amazing ideas: instead of worrying over that scary test, you should forget about studying for the moment and throw the biggest party you can imagine with all your friends. Ask out your crush, go skydiving, or try to hunt the legendary Loch Ness Monster. Eat all the junk food you want, prank your enemies, or join a NASCAR race with your friends.

Of course, you can start your doomsday preparation and try to survive the apocalypse, but what fun is that? Sure, you could find a secure source of food, make emergency plans with your loved ones, and learn practical survival skills. But, how will you know what end of the world scenario you will face? You do not want to be caught armed with only a Geiger counter when facing down a zombie horde. Instead, have as much fun as you can, because death might come for you anyway.

Critics will say that the apocalypse has been predicted since the beginning of history, and that the end of the world did not happen in December 1999 or 2012 when everyone expected a doomsday event. Others will say that the Yellowstone supervolcano threat is way overblown, or that governments in charge of nuclear weapons will be responsible, or that climate change is a hoax. However, if these individuals are wrong, you’ll leave this Earth without any chance to enjoy the rest of your life. Imagine working so hard on your future only for there to be no future.

Therefore, make the most of your life. Your life is yours, and you only have one chance to live a good life as far as we know. Go out, spend time with your family and friends, do something you enjoy, or do something you have always wanted to do before the world ends. Good luck, and we will meet you in the afterlife after we are all dead and the world is on fire!