Cats (2019) review

Abi Marines, News and Feature editor

In “Dante’s Inferno,” there are nine circles of hell. He makes a point that in the last circle, they are frozen in a lake of ice. The movie “Cats” proves that this is patently untrue, as those actually in the last circle are doomed to watch “Cats” (2019) forever or until their souls rot. 

Traditionally, reviews have somewhat of a plot summary. However since this movie has absolutely no functioning plot, there can be no plot summary. There is absolutely nothing in this movie that threads scenes together besides songs and characters there is no story beyond that of a bunch of cats. 

And maybe that’s the beauty of “Cats.” The absolute mind-numbing simplicity that can captivate, maybe, audiences of ages 3 and under and, maybe, those who have gone completely deaf and blind. After all, the singing in the musical is not outright terrible, and Taylor Swift’s original song brings a lot of substance to an otherwise boring musical. 

Despite the adequate musical talent, the further the movie goes the further the audience will regret watching. This movie is so awkwardly paced, oddly timed and oddly sexual that it left members of the audience gagging in disgust. Several scenes had unnecessary and violating sexual undertones between certain members of the cats. Even more though, was the nonsensical order of the scenes portrayed in the movie. Nothing that was foreshadowed was followed up with anything of meaning. With the addition of one very unnecessary and completely out-of-nowhere romance towards the end, the entire film has absolutely nothing in it. 

And at the end, they pull utter nonsense out of thin air to conclude the movie in a way that makes no sense. With no actual plot, that should be extremely hard. Yet “Cats” found a way to make a nonsensical movie end in a blatantly unrelated way. Truly what those trapped in the ninth pit of hell must go through every second of their lives.

There is precisely no reason to waste $12 give or take on this movie. This movie — if you can call it that simply deserves absolutely none of your hard-earned money and your dwindling time. Overall “Cats” receives a big fat F in the realm of reviews. The biggest take away from this movie is an idea retold throughout the film: A Jellicie cat is a Jellicie cat, and that’s that.